Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
