He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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