i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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