Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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