he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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