Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Randomize
