Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
