no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
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