never play flip cup with pint glasses
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
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