I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Well I just put wine in my tea
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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