Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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