This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
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