life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
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