Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
