feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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