Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Randomize
