youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.