I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
