I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
