I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Randomize
