you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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