Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize