from now on my penis is your penis
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.