So good. The butter burgers slip right outta my ass.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!