If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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