Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
