if you like me you must not know who I am
I wish my penis had an off switch
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
