genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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