Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I just found puke in my bra..
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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