Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
