We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
