Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
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I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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