I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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