if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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