Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
