OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
send nudes
from the living room?
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
