a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
