ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
