Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
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