If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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