My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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