Whatcha textin bout Willis?
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
