Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Randomize
