I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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