OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
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You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
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Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
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