the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
