I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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