Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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