Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Randomize
