i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
