people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
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