I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Randomize
