I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
