Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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