ya dads aren't the best wingmen
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
