I wish I could teleport
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
